Go
by planet p
Summary: River doesn’t want to hurt Simon. River/Jayne


**Go **by planet p

**Disclaimer** I don't own _Firefly_ or any of its characters.

* * *

The moment River woke, she knew that she should still have been asleep. She could see Simon sleeping in his bed, and she felt kind of limp and tired, at least, her body felt limp and tired, her mind was ready to wake up; it didn't want to be put back to sleep.

She climbed out of bed and snuck over to Simon's bed, where he was sleeping quietly, and stood watching him for a long time, thinking that if she watched him long enough, then she'd become sleepy again and go back off to bed and go to sleep.

It didn't work.

She carefully moved closer to Simon's bed, not wanting to wake him – he looked happy sleeping – and watched him from her new, closer vantage point. Her feet were very cold by now, and she reminded herself that they wouldn't have been cold if she'd stayed in bed, asleep.

She shuffled closer to Simon's bed, so that she could feel the mattress against the fronts of her legs, and reached down to pick up Simon's hand. Simon's hand was warm, and it made her happy. She wished her feet were as warm, too.

She looked down into Simon's face, looking for something of herself there, and held his hand tighter in both of her own. She would have liked to have hugged him, but he was asleep – and he was happy – and she didn't want to disturb him.

She slowly bent over to smell his hair – Did they use the same shampoo? She couldn't remember – and lowered his hand back down, toward the mattress.

She paused, and drew his hand closer to her again – it was so warm and soft – and, using her own two hands, slipped it up under her pyjama top – Simon had gotten her new pyjama's for her birthday, as a special treat – and brought it to rest on her stomach.

Inside, she felt warmer already, though her feet were still cold. She wriggled her toes to make sure that she could still feel them, and bent further over, and pressed her lips to Simon's warm ones.

River's eyes flew wide at the fantasy, and she stumbled back, frightened, from where she'd been standing, watching her brother sleep.

* * *

She was so cold in the shiny little white chemise, and she missed her bed terribly now, to be out of it and sneaking around whilst the others were asleep, but she had no choice, anymore.

She missed Simon, but she was afraid. She was afraid that she'd do something that she shouldn't and hurt him.

She could never hurt Simon.

* * *

Shivering, River lay down on the bed beside Jayne. She didn't want to think about what he might be dreaming about. She squeezed her eyes closed, and pretended that she was safe in her own bed, asleep, with Simon just across the room.

Jayne shifted in his sleep, and when his arms pulled River up close to him, River's eyes went wide in fear, and she shook all over. She didn't want to be this frightened, but she couldn't help it.

* * *

It was ten minutes, or more, later, that River felt herself suddenly pushed backward, hands tight on her upper arms, and became suddenly afraid that Jayne would throw her off the bed.

His open – angry, confused – eyes told her that he'd woken, and that she wasn't who he'd been expecting her to be.

She clung to him tightly with her own hands, and hoped that he didn't throw her off the bed.

"What in the Hell are you playin' at, you crazy thing?" he growled in a low voice.

River allowed her eyes to open and stared at him fearfully, unable to form words to speak. What would she tell him, after all? She clenched her hands tighter on the fabric of his t-shirt and remained silent.

"I'm talkin' at you, plain crazy!" Jayne growled. "Dignify me with an answer!"

River huddled closer to him on the bed, watching as disgust joined anger in his expression. "I'm not a baby," she whispered into his chest, fighting to keep her teeth from chattering. "I want to be like Kaylee and Inara and Zoe."

"Is your brother aware of your newest 'wants'?" Jayne rumbled, irritated.

River didn't speak. She was afraid to say anything, in case she made her situation worse.

"I thought as much!" Jayne breathed roughly, renewing his efforts to dislodge her from him.

"You're the only one who can help me, Jayne," she whispered, a small whimper sneaking its way into her voice. And then, on a loud, more certain note, "I'm not a baby anymore!"

"I am not gonna have any part in this, crazy!" Jayne growled loudly, forcibly pulling her from him with a sharp jerk.

River flailed her hands about, trying to catch a hold of his arms again, and was yanked up into a sitting position by Jayne, and suddenly felt sombre with Jayne sitting across from her, but so close by, on the small mattress, eyeing her angrily.

She felt silly, and cold. She wanted to run away, back to her bed, but she was scared that the vision would come back.

She balled her hands up into fists and pounded on his chest. "I choose you," she hollered, "or are you afraid of me, soldier?"

"I ain't bein' provoked on this one, witch," Jayne told her firmly, his voice full of irritation.

"It's like this, Mr. Cobb," she began calmly, stilling her fists, and pushing them against his chest with considerable strength, "either you help me, or I find someone else who shall."

Jayne growled, narrowing his eyes in a scowl. "Not before word gets back to your brother, I'd caution!" he hissed.

"You'll be passing up a great opportunity, Jayne," she told him.

"I'll be passin' up all manner of unpleasantness, I think," Jayne growled. "And a death warrant, I'd fairly wager."

River began pounding on his chest again, her little fists moving fast. "I want you! I want you! I want you!" she rambled, voice rising in pitch as she did.

"I don't want you!" Jayne ground.

River thumped her head against his chest, over and over.

* * *

"I'll not tell!" River whispered, held at arm's lengths by the wrists in Jayne's painful grip. "I'll keep it a secret!"

"You can keep it as secret as ya like, witchy sticks, it ain't gonna go down," Jayne hissed.

"I am not a stick!" River burst, indignation pouring from her eyes.

"I see what you're doin', witchy," he growled.

"I ain't doin' no thin', on account o' you won't permit me!" River protested.

Jayne sighed heavily. "An' that's jus' the way it's gonna stay, crazy thing."

"May you permit me to remind you of one small, pertinent detail, Mr. Cobb," River replied. "I _can_ kill you with my brain."

Jayne laughed, loosening his hold on her wrists. "Be my guest, I say!"

Whipping her wrists from his grasp, River launched herself at him, knocking him backward onto the mattress, and planted herself on top of him, and her lips on top of his.

* * *

Jayne grabbed a hold of her, with some effort, and lifted her off of him, and plomped her on the floor beside his bed, struggling into a sitting position, his face darkened in anger.

River sagged forward, refusing to stand on her own two feet, and Jayne yanked her sharply forward, and into his lap, scowling darkly.

He leant in close to her face and hissed into her ear, "You'll desist and depart this instant, porridge, or else I'll have to make you, and I can promise you, that you won't like."

River trembled and gazed back into his face defiantly as he straightened his back, his hands fixed tightly to her upper arms.

"What shall you do, sir?" she asked sweetly.

Jayne scowled and pushed himself to his feet, yanking her up with him.

"Don't!" River yowled. "You can have me now, and I'll never say a word! You can have me right now!" Before he could speak, she continued, "I want you to! I picked this," she picked at the chemise she wore, her fingers going numb, "special for you! It's special just for you. You can do anything with it. You can make me take it off, you can have me leave it on, if you don't favour the looks of me, or you can rip it all up. It's just for you."

Jayne shook her by the arms roughly.

River was ready to cry, but she didn't want to do so in front of Jayne. Not now, not here.

If it'd been Kaylee, or Inara, or Zoe, would he have been so reluctant? She couldn't think so. If he thought that just because she was damaged that she couldn't care about someone else the way Kaylee and Inara and Zoe did, he was being horribly unfair and awful! She'd made it well clear enough that it was what _she_ wanted, yet he still didn't believe her!

"I came here special for you!" she breathed in a low voice, meeting his eyes with a deep gaze. If he turned her out now, she'd cry.

She didn't want to think about him telling Simon.

* * *

Jayne relaxed his grip on her arms and her fingertips tingled.

Her feet were seared to the cold floor, but when Jayne trailed a large hand down her arm, gently urging her forward, she complied at once, stepping forward quickly.

He pulled her to him roughly, bumping her shivering body against his chest, and smelled her hair.

A hand moved from her arm to her side, testing the feel of the cool fabric beneath his fingers.

River shivered at his light touch, and did not dare lift her face to meet his eyes.

He returned both hands to her arms and manoeuvred her around, and backward, toward the bed.

River began to feel very afraid. She could feel her heartbeat pick up speed in her chest, and wondered if it made her look different, if her face had changed colour, or if her breast rose and fell faster.

She felt the mattress bump up against the backs of her legs and sat, watching Jayne sit down beside her, his hand slipping from her arm and coming to rest on her leg. He wasn't looking at her face, but at her thigh.

He wrapped his hand around her leg, and, with his other hand, pushed her backward suddenly, onto the mattress, so that she was staring up at the ceiling, eyes widened, for a moment, before she felt a weight settle over her and Jayne's face came into view in front of her eyes.

She was very scared now. She couldn't move, and she almost couldn't breathe.

Jayne ran a hand up along her leg, reminding River that they were still there, though she could not see them, and brought it to rest on her abdomen.

She felt very uncomfortable with Jayne's hand touching her there, but, she was sure, that if she said so, that he'd throw her out.

Jayne trailed his hand back and forth across her abdomen lightly, making her skin shiver.

The shivers collected in her spine, and River gritted her teeth not to protest.

"Yes or no?" Jayne breathed in a low voice, making her look at him with a firm grip on her chin, suddenly.

River trembled bodily and forced herself to respond, staring straight back into his eyes, "Yes."

Jayne took his hand from her chin, and with both hands, he pulled down her underwear.

* * *

River couldn't breathe; she could feel Jayne breathing, and moving _on top of her_, but she couldn't make her lungs or mouth work. She tried to tell herself that this was what she wanted, that this was _better_, but she'd clamped her eyes down tight and was so afraid to open them.

She didn't want to feel all of the strange unfamiliar parts of Jayne's body that she'd never taken much notice of before; she didn't want to feel Jayne's body much at all anymore, in fact.

She wanted to be back in her bed, where Jayne's body wasn't covering hers, but her blanket was – just her blanket – where her body didn't feel strange and unfamiliar to her, with Jayne's body laying on top of it, moving like that, where even the parts she thought were familiar and mostly harmless, frightened her.

Jayne's hand touched the side of her neck, a flat palm, and her heart nearly stopped. She wanted Jayne to stop doing what he was doing to her right now! It didn't feel the same way as it had with Zoe and Wash, and it frightened her!

She listened to the strange pained sounds that Jayne was making, and kept her eyes closed tightly. She didn't understand why Jayne was in pain, and then, a terrifying thought occurred to her. Jayne wasn't in pain; it was pleasure making him make those noises!

She kept herself perfectly still, willing her chest to slow down, and that was when she realised that she _was_ breathing. She was breathing! She was so scared, and she was breathing so fast.

In the back of her mind, she thought that it wasn't fair that Jayne liked what he was feeling, and she didn't. It wasn't fair that she was utterly afraid, and he wasn't even the smallest bit frightened.

* * *

Cold and clammy, she sunk her teeth down onto her bottom lip to keep from crying out when Jayne entered her, and the sound got stuck in her throat, making her want to choke and be ill all at the same time. She coughed, her fingers digging into Jayne's arms, and gasped, dragging in deep breaths.

For a moment, she wondered where Jayne had gone, then she opened her eyes and saw him still on top of her, _inside_ her.

Her head felt really sore, and all she could hear was a rushing, roaring sound in her head. She closed her eyes again, and pretended she was in her own bed, alone.

But this bed rocked too much, and her head hurt so much, and she was trying so hard to ignore that _other_ feeling. Whenever she thought of it, she stopped breathing, and felt so sick!

Jayne was smelling her hair again, and kissing it, and she wanted him to stop, because it was ridiculous and silly, and then she thought of Simon, who sometimes kissed her hair before he said 'goodnight,' and she fought back the urge to throw up, her eyes opening wide.

No, she didn't want to think about Simon now!

With a shaking hand, she touched Jayne's face to make him look at her. "Hurt me!" she whispered fiercely, wanting, with everything in her, for him to do it – for him to _make_ her _stop_ thinking about Simon!

Her hand slid around to the back of his head, and she pulled him down to her and kissed his lips. "Do it!" she breathed, her lips still on his as she broke the kiss.

Jayne kissed her head, and this time she didn't close her eyes.

* * *

When it ended, she was shaking uncontrollably, and so cold, and there was blood, so much blood.

She tried so hard to move, just to move a little bit, but she couldn't, so Jayne scooped her up and held her against him, and took her out.

She closed her eyes and let the soundless tears leak from under her eyelids.

* * *

"River? River?"

It was so, so hard, but she finally managed to open her eyes. She wasn't in her room, as she'd expected, but in the shower, and Jayne was there.

_No Simon_, she thought, but her mouth was so tired and didn't want to smile. Simon was asleep, and he was happy.

She didn't feel the water as it slid across her body as she drifted into unconsciousness.

* * *

She was too hot when she woke, and she wondered if maybe the heat was the reason she'd woken. For a moment, she just lay there, and then, suddenly, the events of the night came crashing down on her like a lead weight, and she couldn't move a bit. Every single thing on her hurt!

Her eyes grew wider, searching, in an attempt to take in her surrounds, afraid that Simon had found out and taken her to the surgery room, but she was in her bed, in the room that was for Simon and her.

She tried to calm down, and turned her head, just a little bit, to glance in the direction of Simon's bed.

Simon wasn't there.

* * *

She drifted back into sleep, and stayed out until dinner, when Simon came in and made a concerted effort to wake her. She really did need to eat something.

She tried not the let the pain show; she made it a little game, who can hide the most, most. She was going to win.

She tried to eat all of her dinner, but she couldn't look at Jayne, who seemed to be having no trouble eating his own dinner.

She didn't want to eat dinner, she wanted to sleep, but she'd scare Simon if she didn't eat, and then he'd find out what she'd done.

Simon couldn't find out.

She ate her dinner all up, then ate a little bit more. She felt so sick, and she was so, so glad when Simon took her back to bed.

She just wanted to sleep.

* * *

For Simon's sake, she tried her best to keep up the game, the game that she was alright, and, by five days gone, she started to believe the game too, and she felt so much better.

* * *

A day later, Serenity landed on a backwater planet, and Simon took River along with him to buy supplies.

River was so happy for the sunlight, and when she went to bed, she was happy. She was getting better, she just knew it.

* * *

She woke to find Simon gone and a little brown teddy bear sitting with her on her bed.

The teddy bear made her happy, and she picked it up and held it in her hands for a long time, smiling at it.

She tried to remember Simon sneaking away to buy the little teddy bear, but try as she might, she couldn't remember his having done so, and it made her giggle.

Clever, silly Simon. Just how had he gotten the teddy bear without her noticing?

She thought about it for a long time, and finally decided that he'd gotten Kaylee to get the bear for him.

River smiled extra at the thought, and patted the teddy bear, feeling its soft brown material beneath her fingers.

She really liked the teddy bear, she decided.

* * *

When she saw Simon next, she went straight to him and hugged him. "He's very nice, and very soft," she said happily, but then, when she stepped apart from Simon, she noticed that he was frowning, instead of smiling.

She didn't understand why he wasn't smiling.

Still frowning, Simon held out his hand.

River didn't move, but Simon slipped his hand into hers, and said, gently but firmly, "Show me."

River felt hot and cold and very sick. She walked with him back to their room where teddy bear sat on her bed.

* * *

At the table at dinner, Jayne explained that it was him who'd gotten the bear for River, so that she'd have somethin' to 'hurt on' that wasn't them, and wasn't livin'.

River didn't look at Jayne, but she looked at Simon, and she saw his angry look, directed right at Jayne.

* * *

Before going to bed, she hid the teddy bear away where she wouldn't see it, and closed her eyes and lay down on her bed, trying not to think of teddy bear, cold and alone.

When Simon came to kiss her head and wish her goodnight, she pretended she was already asleep, but she lay awake for a long time, listening to Simon's breathing even out until he was soundly asleep.

She thought of teddy bear again, and sat up in bed. She slipped out of bed, and snuck out of the room, leaving teddy behind.

* * *

Jayne was asleep when she snuck into his room, and she lay down on the bed and snuggled up next to him, lifting one of his arms and putting it over her, and closed her eyes.

Teddy bear was with Simon, and she was with Jayne.

* * *

She woke, in the morning – or as much as it could be called 'morning' in space – in her own bed, and felt angry at Jayne.

He could have woken her and sent her off to her room of her own esteem, but he hadn't.

At breakfast, she at all of her breakfast, and then some more.

Jayne still ate more than her, and she felt angry at him again.

She didn't even like his silly teddy bear, and she would attest to as much if the topic should ever come up. Teddy bears were for babies, and _he_ knew – as well as she did – that she wasn't a baby anymore!

* * *

It was the second planet that they'd touched down on in as many months, and River decided that she'd take a walk in the park in the town they'd come to.

The park wasn't large, but lightly forested with trees, and filled with sunlight and cooling shade in equal parts.

River stepped off the path and wandered among the trees. She'd taken her shoes off and held them in one hand; the neat grass felt smooth and soft and cool on the bottoms of her feet.

She sat down by one of the trees and lay down on the grass and closed her eyes, deciding that she'd stay for a little while under this tree, rather than go looking for anything that might turn out to be trouble.

A while later, a shadow fell across her, making her cold suddenly, and she opened her eyes.

Jayne was sitting on the grass beside her, watching her.

She sat up.

Jayne said nothing, but got to his feet and turned to go.

River pushed herself to her feet, also, and straightened. "I do not appreciate the sentiment behind the getting of the teddy bear," she told him plainly, "though I do not think it fair to take this feeling out on the thing itself."

Jayne turned back to face her and frowned, then shrugged one shoulder.

River felt herself grow angry at him. He couldn't even be bothered to say anything!

Jayne turned away again, deciding their conversation to be over, and River started forward and took a hold of his shirt sleeve, but he didn't turn back until she tugged on his sleeve, as though thinking that she'd give up.

She stepped up to him, and took his hand in hers, and placed it upon her leg.

They stood there for a long moment, Jayne's hand on her leg, her hand over his hand, not saying anything, or doing anything.

Then River lifted her gaze and looked into his eyes, and Jayne moved toward her suddenly, backing her against the nearest tree, and breathing in the smell of her hair, his hand warm against her leg.

* * *

They lay on the cool grass, side by side, the sun warming their faces, as they held hands and listened to the sound of the breeze in the trees and their steady breathing.

River didn't look at him, but continued to gaze up at the sky, as she moved his hand onto her leg, and, a moment later, she could no longer see the sky, but she could see Jayne.

She moved his hand up her leg, and watched his eyes follow their linked hands.

* * *

The sun felt hot on her face, and River felt the grass beside them, cool as it prickled the inside of her hand.

She felt her legs tingle, and the side of her neck where Jayne kissed her.

-

River ate her dinner happily, and walked with Simon to their room, taking teddy bear out of hiding before she climbed into bed.

* * *

Jayne was waiting for her when she snuck out of bed and into his room.

River frowned when she saw the empty bed, and squealed as Jayne play leapt at her from the side where he'd been hiding, and ran across the room to the bed before Jayne caught her around the middle and turned her to face him.

She gazed at him watching her, and he lay her back on the mattress gently.

* * *

She kissed the warm skin on his shoulder, and closed her jaw tightly when he entered her, and let out a little whine when she opened her mouth.

Jayne kissed her on the head, breathing heavily, and she took his hand and interlocked their fingers, kissing his hand.

The tingle that had started in her legs went right through her, and she kissed his hand harder, making it wet. She kissed his hand and his wrist and his arm.

She brought her hips up to meet his, unable not to, and gripped his arms tightly at the new feeling running through her.

* * *

River woke to the sounds of raised voices, and there was Simon, his whole face red with anger, and Jayne, not angry but frightened, and she struggled to sit up, realising where she must be and what must have happened, but Jayne was going, and Simon was so angry, so she stayed lying down, and tried to pretend she was asleep.

She stayed like that for a long time, listening to Simon's footsteps as he walked back over to his own bed and sat down, then, after what seemed like an age, as he stood and walked to her bedside.

She felt his hands on her arms, shaking her awake, and turned over and opened her eyes, suddenly feeling immeasurably tired.

She sat up slowly, tiredly, and peered at her brother.

He was shaking all over and staring at her, and she wanted to cry, and be sick, and hug him, all at the same time, but she couldn't even look him in the face!

"What were _you_ doing with that_ man_, River?" Simon asked, trying desperately to maintain control, through his voice was shaking as much as he was.

River opened her mouth, and lied. "I fell asleep," she told him. "I woke up and my legs felt funny, so I got up to go for a walk, and I got tired, and I fell asleep."

Simon laughed harshly, disbelieving, and averted his gaze from her face, balling his hands into painful fists which he ground into the tops of his legs. He laughed again, and River felt sick and scared. She just wanted to hold Simon, but she was frightened he'd push her away. "What did you do before you 'got tired and fell asleep'?" he demanded, forcing himself to meet her eyes.

"I went for a walk," River replied, wanting to cry.

Simon turned his back on her, forcing down a laugh, and stalked to his bed, and stood glaring at it for a long moment.

River thought that he might lie down then, but instead he kicked it and turned and stormed out of their room. River lay down on her bed and curled up in a ball and cried. She wanted Simon back! That's all she wanted!

When her tears had thinned, she spotted something blurry and brown, and reached for it and pulled it to her, and hugged it to her until she fell asleep.

* * *

River ate her breakfast without talking or looking at anyone, and walked back to her room afterward, and lay down on her bed and curled up with teddy bear, staring at the wall on her other side instead of Simon's empty bed where he hadn't slept last night.

* * *

After lunch, Simon followed her back to their room, and, halfway there, he took her hand and led her in another direction, toward the surgery room.

River wanted to run away, back to their room, and hide under Simon's blankets, on Simon's bed – she felt sick, sick, sick – but she didn't. She couldn't take her hand out of Simon's, she couldn't leave him, as frightened as she was by the prospect of what might happen in the surgery room.

Simon led her to the examination table, and when she lay down, he stroked her forehead, and she closed her eyes.

When she opened her eyes, she was staring up at the ceiling, and someone was crying, though she was sure it wasn't her; her face didn't feel wet at all.

She turned her head and saw Simon sitting in a corner, on the floor, crying into his arms, that were rested on his knees, but she couldn't move, she couldn't go to him – as much as she desperately, suffocatingly wanted to – because of what she'd done, because she was guilty, and he'd hate her even more if she went to him, if she confirmed his suspicions by going to him, by trying to comfort him.

So she cried inside, and closed her eyes, and wished herself away to a happier place when they were children and he could hold her and hug her and tickle her and kiss her hair, or her face or her shoulder or her hand, and she'd never been afraid.

* * *

When it was time to go back to their room, Simon's face was dry, though it was very red, and his eyes were very red too, but River didn't say anything, and let him take her hand and take her back to their room to lie down on her bed.

* * *

Kaylee came to see her later, but she pretended to be asleep, and Kaylee lay down on Simon's bed, and watched her back, and her safe, steady breathing.

When she left, River curled up into a ball and closed her eyes. She just wanted to sleep.

* * *

At dinner, River noticed that Jayne had collected a nasty bruise on his face, and took it that that meant that she wasn't allowed to see him anymore, and that he wasn't allowed to see her anymore either.

It wasn't until bedtime that she realised that Simon had told Kaylee, and it had been _Kaylee_ who'd done the hitting and bruising.

Simon hugged her and kissed her goodnight, and walked across the room to his own bed and lay down, though River didn't think he wasn't going to go to sleep.

* * *

_All creepiness is __solely my own, sorry. :-(_


End file.
